A note from a "Re-Closeted" queer woman:

Hello. I'm sure your first question when reading the title of this post is somewhere along the lines of: "Wait, 're-closeted'? What do you mean?" I use the term "re-closeted' to describe my current position as a "once openly 'out' gay person" who has crawled her way back into the closet over the years.

And how in the world did that happen??

Short answer: time and fear. Let me start from the beginning.

September 19, 2014: "So, this is the first time I’ve ever said this, and to be honest, I didn’t really think I ever would. For so long I have been confused. I have finally come to realize something, and since then everything has started to make more sense. So… Truth is… I like girls."

Those were the exact words I used to come out to myself. Up until the age of 17, I refused to believe I could have feelings for another female, but the moment I wrote these words and saw them looking back at me on my screen, a sense of relief washed over me. Rather quickly after this I came out to my parents and close friends. Give or take a few more months and I came out to my entire school on the spirit week's Pride Day. Every single reaction was warm, accepting, and filled with excitement. I truly felt I could be myself and the support from everyone made those feelings of confidence and strength even stronger.

Three years later and it seems that everything has changed. I am back in the closet. I am no longer the same confident person I used to be.When I moved on to college, I no longer had that support system and was on my own to find a new one. Then the Orlando Pulse shooting happened and then I got into a relationship with an extremely closeted woman (she was born into an extremely horrible, abusive, homophobic family and community, and although I do not blame her, I recognized myself repressing who I was more and more). These two were the perfect recipe to place the ultimate fear of being myself. Even living in the Bay Area of California, I failed to trust anyone in fear that I would lose relationships or of risking putting myself in danger. I would not hold her hand in public, I would not tell people she was my girlfriend unless I sure as hell knew I could trust them, I would no longer dress masculine, I would let people assume I was straight, I would not tell people I was gay/queer/a girl who likes girls… I could not be myself.

It’s the saddest thing.

Today I stand in front of the mirror and question who this girl is staring back at me in this flowy black dress and a cute, bob hairdo. That girl wants to wear basketball shorts, hang with the guys (and the gays… most definitely the gays HA), and kiss a beautiful girl and make sure everyone knows she’s mine. Most importantly, she wants to no longer fear what people will think, say, and/or do, because what is important is that she is truly being she. With this being said, I hope to start getting back to this girl I used to be: confident, strong, and free.

To all who had no idea I was gay: Surprise! I'm sorry I never told you. Me not telling you was not a reflection of you, but of my fear of losing relationships I hold dear to me. I often wait for someone to ask the "are you gay?" question, but I now realize that you may have not asked out of respect or simply just not knowing. (They can't read your mind, Melissa... duh.) I hope you will be accepting and that this little fact you've learned about me today will not change our relationship.

To all who have supported me from the beginning: Thank you so freaking much. Without you, I would not have the courage to write these words. You give me faith for this world and hope for a better future. Words cannot describe how much I love you. Thank you.

To anyone who would like to help but isn't quite sure how: Make your alliance known and help break the stigma. The only times I've come out to someone in the last three years were when someone expressed that they were supportive of LGBT persons. One example of expressing this is when asking someone if they are dating someone: ask them if they have a boyfriend OR girlfriend, instead of just assuming they are straight by the way they present themselves or because you've never seen them date a certain gender. Little things like this go a long way.

To all who are still in the closet: You are not alone. I know the pain you feel and the craving to be truly you… do not let yourself forget who you are and that there are people who love you and will support you no matter what. I pray one day we will no longer have to fear being torn down by hate for staying true to ourselves and feeling love for another. For now, know I love you, I care, and I support you.

love is love.

Yours truly,
a "Re-Closeted" queer woman.